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Arnold Rimmer
"Oh, Rimmer. . . You ARE a smeghead." -Todhunter (RD:The End) Second Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer is the second lowest ranking crew member of the Jupiter Mining Company spaceship Red Dwarf. Biography Childhood Arnold was born on Io in 2149, the youngest of four boys. All four boys were trained from early on to fulfill their father's ambition to join the Space Corps. Since Mr. Rimmer was under regulation height, he stretched the boys on a rack to ensure they would be tall enough. He also quizzed them on astronavigation at dinner and penalized wrong answers with hunger. Arnold described his relationship with his brother as being like the Four Musketeers. "Well, 'The Three Musketeers,' actually - they always let me be the Queen of Spain." Home videos showed his brothers covering Arnold with jam and ants. Teenage Years Aboard Red Dwarf While his older brothers John, Frank, and Howard went on to become successful members of the Space Corps, Arnold languished on Red Dwarf, unable to pass a single engineering exam. He was also unable to attract a steady girlfriend, making do with the occasional head-trauma victim and Rachel Your Plasticine Pal. At the time of his death in 2181, Arnold was 31. However, he had the body of a 30-year-old due to spending all his free time in stasis. After the Accident Holly chose Arnold out of the entire crew as the one most likely to keep Dave Lister sane during the journey back to Earth. Nicknames Arnold would like for people to call him fraternal nicknames such as Ace, Arnie J, Big Man, Duke, Old Ironbutt, and Old Ironballs. However, he actually gets called things like Acehole, Trans-Am Wheel Arch Nostrils, Grand Canyon Nostrils, Laundry Chute Nostrils, Captain Sadness, Captain Boring, Molecule Mind, Goal-Post Head, Alphabet Head, and Smeghead. At school, Arnold's nickname was Bonehead. The second holographic copy of Arnold called him Mr. Gazpacho. Personality Skills Arnold earned both a Bronze Swimming Certificate and a Silver Swimming Certificate. He also earned four Long Service medals: three years, six years, nine years, and twelve years. One of Arnold's hobbies is attempting to memorize things. He has failed to memorize the Space Corps Directives, his engineering textbook, and Shakespeare's Richard III. He has also failed to learn Esperanto. Likes and Dislikes Arnold likes the Hammond Organ, Morris dancing, Risk, fishing, rules and structure, authority, war, and great military strategists (especially Napolean, Caesar, and Patton). He also enjoys coloring in the dividers in his itineraries. Arnold dislikes Gazpacho soup, Dave Lister, drive plates, himself, his parents, and successful people. Quotes * "Wrong, wrong. Absolutely brimming over with wrongability." * "Oh, good. Switch me on, switch me off, like some battery-powered sex aid!" * "Well, if you have any more problems with nothing or things that don't matter, just scream out my name hysterically and I'll come pelting down the corridor!" (RD:Future Echoes) * "It was the way she said it ... Rimmer, Rimmer. To rhyme with scum." * "Every time I take a test, I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing. I should be commander-in-chief of the whole universe by now." (RD:Better than Life) * "I'm organised, I'm dedicated to my career, I've always got a pen. Result? Total smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only because we haven't got one." (RD:Thanks for the Memory) * "Everyone leaves me. Girls, parents.... I had a pet lemming once." * "She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way. I was just walking! Can I help it if I'm sexy?" (RD:Parallel Dimension) * "Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit! I'm alive!!" (RD:Timeslides) * "At least he gets 24 hours; that's more than most of us get. Most of us get 'Mind-that-bus-what-bus?-splat.'" (RD:The Last Day) * "You think I'm a petty minded, bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing persnickity regulations 'cause he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damned right. That doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're gonna track down Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible, a sensible haircut." * "I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met." (RD:Holoship) * "Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, 'No chance, you metal bastard.'" (RD:White Hole) * "All right, I admit I'm nothing; but with what I started with ... nothing is up." (RD:The Inquisitor) * "We're not getting out of here in one piece, or if we do, it'll be one big flat piece." (RD:Gunmen of the Apocalypse) * "Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this conversation, but I think that from now on what you should bring is silence." (RD:Gunmen of the Apocalypse) * "Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttocks sandwich." (RD:Rimmerworld) * "The world loves a bastard." (RD:Back in the Red - Part 1) * "He was never proud of me. What other father would claim to have an alibi for his sperm on the night of conception?" (RD:Back in the Red - Part 2) * "Me? Not make it? What does he know? The big, stupid, yellow idiot. He doesn't see my good side, my guile, my weasel cunning. When the going gets tough, my ability to find good hiding places." (RD:Only the Good...) * "The point I'm trying to make, you dirty son of a fetid whoremonger's bitch, is that we're friends!" (Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers) * "Oh, great. Not only am I dead, I don't exist, either! Thanks a lot, God!" (Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers) * "Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one -- due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistable urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two -- we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one." (Better Than Life) * "...If Ace once again referrs to me as a fruit or a vegetable, I'll take that welding torch and set his poufy fringe on fire." (RD:Backwards) Behind the Scenes Trivia * Arnold likes to eat his food in alphabetical order. * When he met that "special someone," Arnold wanted their song to be Gershwin's "Someone to Watch Over Me." * Arnold's handwriting is described as being a neat copperplate style. Copperplate is an extremely uniform style - exactly the kind they teach in school. This is the same style of handwriting possesed by Hannibal Lecter. Category:Characters